A simple question that I have been wondering myself. And yet, it is not so simple at all.
I was living for God in a certain way for 41 years. I was told to live this way if I wanted to be right with Him. I never questioned it. After all, I was a child. A second grader who was excited every time the church bus picked me up on Sunday morning. I would also get picked up for church on Wednesday nights from generous church members who saw worth in me going. My parents did not go. Just me and eventually my brother would join me on the bus.
Fast forward 14 years and I am marrying my best friend whom I met at church. We are happy and we become blessed with 3 children who grow up in this same church. Eventually we move to another town but are still very much involved in the church. The denomination is the same. It has to be the same. Although it is not.
Not to confuse you further let me slightly explain. Although it was the same organization that needed to follow the same rules. The pastor from one church may take it a step further and say the Lord told him bowling was forbidden. But the pastor across town (same organization) didn't get the memo. And his saints could go bowling.
We were taught with scriptures being sprinkled throughout that the women must not cut their hair. Many did. But they cut it in such a way as is not obvious, and yet it is very obvious to who else, but women.
Just typing this I sound bitter or angry and I promise you I am not! I am stating a fact. I was one of the women who took what was preached literally and did not cut my hair. We were also taught not to wear makeup, and of course again, many did. A little blush or shiny clear lip gloss or even mascara. I was one of those women who did not. The women were not allowed to wear pants. Ever! They were considered men's apparel. I would wear a skirt over snow pants and I was not in the least embarrassed by this. They pounded this to us over the pulpit. They put Ladies Retreats together with this topic being the main point. It was driven into us. It is what separated us from other people who claimed to be Christians. I say claim because we did not believe anyone outside this denomination had the full truth. Maybe 1/2 truth but definitely not the full truth. So they probably weren't going to make it.
I wanted to be right with God. I listened and put into practice what I was taught I needed to do to achieve this. I was not considered normal. I was the oddball. The ones who disobeyed what was being preached were the norm. Of course this is not fair. But nobody likes the good kid. The kid that follows all the rules. Especially if it makes you analyze yourself. And you come up short.
And yet, I was not perfect. I was far from it! Living this way no matter how pure my heart was and my motives created a self righteous, critical person in me. I heard the same message they heard. I chose to follow it and many did not. That made me a better person and that made them carnal and not worth my time. I was glad to be the oddball. I was proud to be set apart even from them. How sad is that?
I lost my past. When my family and I left this organization they left us. Not just friends but family as well. Our families will talk to us cordially. They don't make the effort to see us or have a relationship. We are the ones who have to reach out. They won't hang up on us when we call, but they might as well. I understand completely what they are feeling. I once felt the same way. They feel abandoned and sad. They feel we have backslidden and went out into the 'world.' They feel they have nothing in common with us anymore. Before I left it was preached if anyone leaves the church you must cut them off. If they have never been in the church then it is okay to have contact because you need to try and win them.
I have been out of this organization for a little over 2 years. It was rough. And sometimes it is still very sad. Sad to lose your past. It is not like my house burned down and I lost everything that eventually can be replaced. I can't replace my past or those specific friends and family and memories. I can make new friends and new memories, but only in the now and in the future.
So what happened? Was my past a waste of time? I obviously believed whole heartedly and showed it by living that way, things that God clearly does not care or want us to do to be right with Him. After all, I explained what it created in me. And I was the one who obeyed because I had a heart to be right with God! So what did that say for the disobedient ones? That would be a whole other topic.
I really believe my family and I were suppose to go through what we went through. None of it was by accident. God has had His hand on us the whole time.
The freedom I have now in living for Him is amazing! I have compassion for people like I never had. I am slower to speak and quicker to listen. I am living the scripture that talks about if you laid your house on the rock when the wind comes and beats on that house it will not fall. My foundation was laid on Jesus Christ. I became his child willingly when I was young. This organization helped me in this area. I learned how to seek after God. I also learned about man made rules. Samuel learned many good things and not so good things under Eli's direction in the Old Testament. And yet he came out a better person. Eli's sons were punished for their sins. Eli as well. And yet it was God's will for Samuel to be raised in that home.
I don't question anymore what happened. I thank God I didn't lose my relationship with Him because of others. When it all came down to it. This is all I had. Was my love and devotion to Jesus Christ. Had it been for the church people, I would have been doomed. I always wanted to be right with Jesus Christ.
I don't worry about that anymore. I KNOW I am right with Jesus Christ. When you are in an organization that leads you to believe you have to continually do something to be right with God. You are going to fail. You are going to be aware of this failure and you are going to live a desperate life that is full of denial. I thought I was happy. But I didn't know what happiness was.
I miss my friends and family members as it was. But I will never go back to what it was.
I feel bad for those who are believing what I believed to be true. I also feel bad that there is absolutely nothing I can do to help them. They will fight tooth and nail for what they believe. They have to see it for themselves. Something has to penetrate that wall of denial. I knew things did not add up. I knew my belief system was flawed. But I would have still fought for it because you don't question it.
I don't know your story. Maybe your marriage failed and you thought it would last forever. Maybe you saw the flaws but didn't question it. 20 years down the drain? or for some more? None of it was a waste. Find the good because there was good. Especially if you have children from it. Keep the good memories. Move on and quit asking what happened.
Acknowledge it happened. Grieve if you have to. Be still and let God be God. It is very important to slow down and let God heal you. Take out the bad and leave in the good.
I have closed my book of 41 years and put it in a shelf in my heart. I don't need it. My new book is being written and it is exciting!
My family and I moved to a new state. We don't have any friends or family here. But we are making new friends and making new memories. Starting fresh. Taking time to enjoy life and those around me.
I wear pants now and a little makeup here and there. I cut my hair and wow the freedom in that! Met a few new friends for bible study. Found a church we like to attend here and there. I know now that we are the church. Not a denomination or a religion. Still, it is nice to join up with Christians and worship God together.
What happened? Not 100% sure, but so glad it did!
