I Understand Why

Dear brother so and so, and sister so and so as well. I miss you. I really do. Like a lot sometimes. Other times I don't think about you much but most days you come across my mind. The memories we shared, and there were many great ones at that! We understood each other. We were all on the same path. Well, sort of. Let me rephrase that, we were SUPPOSE to be on the same path. We all heard the same preaching and understood it the same way. Many decided to twist it to their liking though - and obey it accordingly.
I left the 'church' as you would call it. Or as the ugly term goes 'backslid.' I didn't though. But you don't believe that. You dropped me instantly from your friends list and I am not talking about Facebook. All communication gone, just like that. Years of bonding unraveled which proved their never was a bond. Just a simple knot that held us together, and my leaving automatically untied that knot.
I have no anger or animosity towards any of you. I would be a hypocrite if I did since I treated others exactly as you are treating me when they left. I understand why you are silent towards me. I use it to my advantage actually. It helps me keep in check. Anger and the hurt of betrayal cannot take over my heart, because I see clearly.
37 years is a long time walking with you. Fellowshipping with you after church. Sharing each others birthdays or sharing each others holidays. Together a lot. And then just like that. Nothing.
How do people cope with that? Well, I'm about to enlighten you.
I use to wonder why all the 'backsliders' always hung out with each other. Now I know it is because they understand each other like no other. It's kind of like a childhood friend that you were really close to. You lose contact with them and then meet up with them 20 years later and you are automatically close. They are like some lost relative and yet they are not.
I left an organization that I believed and lived with my whole heart, the belief that it held the full truth. It doesn't. And most of you don't believe it either. But it is a lifestyle you are accustomed to and it would take a lot of mental and emotional challenges to change it and there is no way you are up to doing that.
I never fit in. Not really. Because I actually embraced and did to the best of my ability what was preached over the pulpit and the majority of you did not. I know, I sound so righteous. But it is the truth. nobody likes a goody to shoes. NOBODY! But I didn't care what you thought of me because I thought you were all carnal anyways. Yes, it made me very self righteous. Although I would have argued vehemently that I was not. But this is what it creates in those who actually obey. I am sure this was never God's plan! Be obedient in what this organization teaches and become ugly in how you see others who are not obeying to the letter as you are.
Or be disobedient and this also creates an ugly individual full of rebellion and spite.
It was a no win situation.
Look, I just wanted to know Jesus. You just wanted to know Jesus as well. That simple. And yet it was made so complicated. Religion will do that to you.
There is so much I can say that I saw in this church that goes against so many scriptures. But I won't because my point isn't to hurt anyone.
Let's just leave it to this. I went back to Jesus. Not to man. Not to religion. But to the only one who deserved my whole heart in the first place. JESUS. And although I miss you. I missed Him more.
The irony. I guess I could be considered backslidden AFTER joining this church. Because my focus changed to what I should wear to be right with God. What I should do. The Jews had a similar problem and this is why Paul said in Galatians 5:4 For if you are trying to make yourselves right with God by keeping the law, you have been cut off from Christ! You have fallen away from God's grace. and in verse 7 You were running the race so well. Who has held you back from following the truth? It certainly isn't God, for he is the one who called you to freedom.
Let me remind you what Paul reminded the Jews in Colossians 2:20 You have died with Christ, and he has set you free from the spiritual powers of this world. So why do you keep on following the rules of the world, such as, 21 "Don't handle! Don't taste! Don't touch!"? 22 Such rules are mere human teachings about things that deteriorate as we use them. 23 These rules may seem wise because they require strong devotion, pious self-denial, and severe bodily discipline. But they provide no help in conquering a person's evil desires.
And this my friend is why you could have a shout down awesome time at the altar on a Sunday night and 20 minutes later be treated harshly and rudely by your sister in 'the Lord' who was praying right along side of you! Because the self denial you focus on that you keep falling short on by the way, isn't conquering anything!
Nobody reading this will understand the jargon but those of us who came from this same church. I don't care because I am writing this to you. I left. You stayed. My past is gone. I have nothing to go back to. And this is not my doing. It is yours.
Please forgive me for hurting you when I left. For confusing you. And it is okay. You do not have to apologize to me. You should, but you don't have to. Because I understand why. And THAT is key to my moving forward.

Being Bound by Politeness

I made sure to look up the word politeness to see if it is even a word. It is. So we can continue.
I am not sure if it is because of my age. I forget how old I am sometimes. I don't look my age and I certainly don't act it. Whoever decided how we are suppose to act at what age I am not sure. But I am pretty sure I don't act mine.
My oldest son is 26 years old and my youngest daughter is 21. Wow! Time sure flew by. Wish I could tell you I had them when I was 10 and 15 years old because that would make me 36. That would be nice, but that didn't happen. Actually that wouldn't have been nice then but it would have been nice now.
Okay, I'm rambling. So let me get back on topic. Being bound by politeness. What do I mean?
Well for example, I deleted a few family members from my facebook 'friends' list because they are not my friends. In fact, they don't even like me. They never have. After 27 years of knowing this fact and finally not caring if they do or don't, I deleted them. I am not mad or hurt. All those emotions left me years ago. I just got tired of having people on my facebook who don't have anything to do with me and keeping them on because it is rude to not have them because they are family. Really? Who made those rules up as well?
When I made the decision I inboxed and let them know as politely as I could but as you can imagine this did not go well. They did not understand. I thought about not saying anything at all, but I needed to voice it because I needed to acknowledge that I don't have to do anything that I am not comfortable with, period.
I felt liberated! I felt like a weight left my shoulders. That first step was huge for me. I have been bound by politeness for years.
People abusing their power and influence in my life, all in the name of religion. And I was not allowed to say anything. I could not question anything. If I did, I was being rebellious or carnal. In other words a worldly person. Or a person not right with God.
Don't get me wrong. I still do things in a polite way. But I do them because I want to do them and sometimes because it is the right thing to do.
I am not going to be bound anymore. I am going to be REAL. If you don't like me, that is fine. You have a right to your opinion. I am not upset because you do not like me. I am uncomfortable with letting you in my space knowing you don't like me and being made to feel that I have to. No I do not! I will respect you in your space and I will demand you respect me in mine. And my demanding in this case meant delete on facebook.
It feels so good to be free in my mind about these things. I can finally be me and surround myself with people who like being with me. It is impossible to have everyone like you. Yes, sometimes it is my fault because I am annoying and sometimes it is your fault because you are worse. Whatever. It is okay to agree to disagree. It is okay that our personalities don't mesh. Let's just not force ourselves to deal with each other because it is what we are suppose to do. No it is not. We are to love each other even from a distance. It is okay to not invite me over and it is okay for me to decline if you do.
Let's be set free and while we are at it, be polite about it. How 'bout' that?

It's Time to Cry

I've had dreams where I am running away from water. I don't see the water but I know it is about to swallow up everyone and everything in it's path. I have to move to higher ground. I always make it in my dream.
Sometimes I dream of people in my past that I cringe when I see them. I am expecting a rebuke or an unpleasant welcome. But they smile and and don't say anything unpleasant at all. In fact they act like time never separated us. I don't look the same as I did the last time I saw them and yet they act like I didn't change at all.
I want to say something to them. I want to tell them I missed them and that I am sorry I left. I am not coming back nor do I want to but I know my leaving separates us. It will never be the same between us unless they leave as well. This is not because of how I feel towards them, it is how they feel towards me. I have to live in their world or I am on my own. Period.
No one understands me except those who do. I know that makes no sense. But it really does.
I don't cry. I can but I don't. When I see pictures of my past life with them it brings up so many feelings inside. Most of them good ones. Happy times. I was innocent and searching for a life of love and happiness. I found it for most of the time I was there and I am finding it now where I am at. This time it is true happiness though. I have a sense of freedom I never felt or had before. I shouldn't use the word sense when it is true freedom. I AM free!
I am going to cry soon. And when I do I am afraid the gate in my soul will open completely and I may not stop for a while. 42 years of life lived will have a good washing. A cleansing of all clutter that never should have been there in the first place. I am dreading it and looking forward to it at the same time.
I have to stop running from it. The water. It's time to cry.

Not What I Thought

I've been living for God for most of my life. I was in 2nd grade when the Sunday School bus would pick me up and take me to Sunday School. This is where I was introduced to Jesus Christ. And I absolutely fell in love with Him. I loved the stories from the bible. I loved waking up Sunday mornings and getting dressed so I could go and learn some more. My father would be excited for me. It made him happy that I would go to church even though he did not go. He was kind of living his spiritual life through me I guess. He wasn't willing to give up whatever he felt he needed to if he was going to live a Christian life but sending his daughter made him feel great. And I loved pleasing my father so this made me even more eager to go.
Looking back over my life I can see how easy it was to become misguided, and can see how people are easy to become misguided even today.
We all have a void we are trying to fill. Every single one of us need a purpose and reason for why we are here on earth. The bible says without a vision the people perish. Totally makes sense.
When you find God in church, I mean really find God. Your life will change. For some it will be drastically. And because God is real and you feel Him like you have never felt Him before, and you can not only feel the change but people can see it in your life as well, you are sold! Anything else the Pastor of this church or the people there tell you, you will believe to be true.
There are so many denominations to choose from. So many different belief systems as well. I know a Baptist church that believe the women must wear dresses and dresses only. This is the only rule regarding the outward appearance that they demand. Yes, I do mean demand.
Whereas another Baptist denomination doesn't demand this at all. There are the Apostolic denomination that believe women may cut their hair but must wear a veil when in church service. This is not an option for the women, the veil must be worn as a covering. Through the years the veil has been shortened to where it doesn't cover much of the hair at all. I have seen some veils that barely cover the barrette that's holding the woman's hair up.
I could go on and on about different Religions that require different means to be right with God.
These Religions filled with precious people who are willing to give of their finances and time and even their health so they can be right with God.
It's not what I thought.
Living for God is simple. Jesus paid the price on the cross for our sins. The only way to Salvation is through Jesus Christ and only Jesus Christ. Having faith in Him and trust will be the main thing you need.
But people want more. They want rules. They want a ruler and king. Someone they can see and touch. Someone who can lead so they can follow. It is way easier to follow.
The Israelites demanded a king. They didn't want to go by faith in a God they could not see with human eyes or touch with human hands.
People want to know and they want everyone else to know that they are Christians living for God. They want rules. Cause you can check off rules. Like a list of chores. Feels good when you check them off. Sometimes you don't do them all so the next day you will try harder. But at least you can see where you are at.
I wouldn't want my husband to have a checklist of being my husband. Work and bring home the bacon, check. Throw out the garbage, check. Bring home flowers on her birthday, check.
No. I want a man who loves me. Who has given me his heart because he chose to. Who does what he does because he wants to share a life with me. Who is faithful because it is important for him to be.
How do you think God feels about us?
If you want to go to church then go to church. Even though this term is not biblical. You ARE the church if you have received Christ. You can open your bible and have a prayer meeting with people in your living room or at the park. At least here in America we can. Thank God!
But because everyone is use to the term 'going to church' I will use this term. Just know you are not saved any more because you go to a church building and sit in a pew every week. Salvation comes from a relationship between you and Jesus Christ. Not the Pastor or saints. This is true! Anything added is just that added. And if your not careful you will believe it to be true and you will judge everyone else who does not live like you do. If you are going to join a denomination and conform to the added stuff you must do and live in your Christian walk, do because you want to fit in. Not because it will save you. That way you don't become judgmental and self righteous. Because it is nice to meet together with other Christian's and walk this path together. It really is.
I am thankful I have Jesus Christ in my life. Maybe it will never be what we thought. But one thing is for sure, Jesus is everything He said He is. And He is coming back for his bride. When we see heaven we may whisper, 'This is not what I thought.' It is even better than imagined!

What happened?

A simple question that I have been wondering myself. And yet, it is not so simple at all.
I was living for God in a certain way for 41 years. I was told to live this way if I wanted to be right with Him. I never questioned it. After all, I was a child. A second grader who was excited every time the church bus picked me up on Sunday morning. I would also get picked up for church on Wednesday nights from generous church members who saw worth in me going. My parents did not go. Just me and eventually my brother would join me on the bus.
Fast forward 14 years and I am marrying my best friend whom I met at church. We are happy and we become blessed with 3 children who grow up in this same church. Eventually we move to another town but are still very much involved in the church. The denomination is the same. It has to be the same. Although it is not.
Not to confuse you further let me slightly explain. Although it was the same organization that needed to follow the same rules. The pastor from one church may take it a step further and say the Lord told him bowling was forbidden. But the pastor across town (same organization) didn't get the memo. And his saints could go bowling.
We were taught with scriptures being sprinkled throughout that the women must not cut their hair. Many did. But they cut it in such a way as is not obvious, and yet it is very obvious to who else, but women.
Just typing this I sound bitter or angry and I promise you I am not! I am stating a fact. I was one of the women who took what was preached literally and did not cut my hair. We were also taught not to wear makeup, and of course again, many did. A little blush or shiny clear lip gloss or even mascara. I was one of those women who did not. The women were not allowed to wear pants. Ever! They were considered men's apparel. I would wear a skirt over snow pants and I was not in the least embarrassed by this. They pounded this to us over the pulpit. They put Ladies Retreats together with this topic being the main point. It was driven into us. It is what separated us from other people who claimed to be Christians. I say claim because we did not believe anyone outside this denomination had the full truth. Maybe 1/2 truth but definitely not the full truth. So they probably weren't going to make it.
I wanted to be right with God. I listened and put into practice what I was taught I needed to do to achieve this. I was not considered normal. I was the oddball. The ones who disobeyed what was being preached were the norm. Of course this is not fair. But nobody likes the good kid. The kid that follows all the rules. Especially if it makes you analyze yourself. And you come up short.
And yet, I was not perfect. I was far from it! Living this way no matter how pure my heart was and my motives created a self righteous, critical person in me. I heard the same message they heard. I chose to follow it and many did not. That made me a better person and that made them carnal and not worth my time. I was glad to be the oddball. I was proud to be set apart even from them. How sad is that?
I lost my past. When my family and I left this organization they left us. Not just friends but family as well. Our families will talk to us cordially. They don't make the effort to see us or have a relationship. We are the ones who have to reach out. They won't hang up on us when we call, but they might as well. I understand completely what they are feeling. I once felt the same way. They feel abandoned and sad. They feel we have backslidden and went out into the 'world.' They feel they have nothing in common with us anymore. Before I left it was preached if anyone leaves the church you must cut them off. If they have never been in the church then it is okay to have contact because you need to try and win them.
I have been out of this organization for a little over 2 years. It was rough. And sometimes it is still very sad. Sad to lose your past. It is not like my house burned down and I lost everything that eventually can be replaced. I can't replace my past or those specific friends and family and memories. I can make new friends and new memories, but only in the now and in the future.
So what happened? Was my past a waste of time? I obviously believed whole heartedly and showed it by living that way, things that God clearly does not care or want us to do to be right with Him. After all, I explained what it created in me. And I was the one who obeyed because I had a heart to be right with God! So what did that say for the disobedient ones? That would be a whole other topic.
I really believe my family and I were suppose to go through what we went through. None of it was by accident. God has had His hand on us the whole time.
The freedom I have now in living for Him is amazing! I have compassion for people like I never had. I am slower to speak and quicker to listen. I am living the scripture that talks about if you laid your house on the rock when the wind comes and beats on that house it will not fall. My foundation was laid on Jesus Christ. I became his child willingly when I was young. This organization helped me in this area. I learned how to seek after God. I also learned about man made rules. Samuel learned many good things and not so good things under Eli's direction in the Old Testament. And yet he came out a better person. Eli's sons were punished for their sins. Eli as well. And yet it was God's will for Samuel to be raised in that home.
I don't question anymore what happened. I thank God I didn't lose my relationship with Him because of others. When it all came down to it. This is all I had. Was my love and devotion to Jesus Christ. Had it been for the church people, I would have been doomed. I always wanted to be right with Jesus Christ.
I don't worry about that anymore. I KNOW I am right with Jesus Christ. When you are in an organization that leads you to believe you have to continually do something to be right with God. You are going to fail. You are going to be aware of this failure and you are going to live a desperate life that is full of denial. I thought I was happy. But I didn't know what happiness was.
I miss my friends and family members as it was. But I will never go back to what it was.
I feel bad for those who are believing what I believed to be true. I also feel bad that there is absolutely nothing I can do to help them. They will fight tooth and nail for what they believe. They have to see it for themselves. Something has to penetrate that wall of denial. I knew things did not add up. I knew my belief system was flawed. But I would have still fought for it because you don't question it.
I don't know your story. Maybe your marriage failed and you thought it would last forever. Maybe you saw the flaws but didn't question it. 20 years down the drain? or for some more? None of it was a waste. Find the good because there was good. Especially if you have children from it. Keep the good memories. Move on and quit asking what happened.
Acknowledge it happened. Grieve if you have to. Be still and let God be God. It is very important to slow down and let God heal you. Take out the bad and leave in the good.
I have closed my book of 41 years and put it in a shelf in my heart. I don't need it. My new book is being written and it is exciting!
My family and I moved to a new state. We don't have any friends or family here. But we are making new friends and making new memories. Starting fresh. Taking time to enjoy life and those around me.
I wear pants now and a little makeup here and there. I cut my hair and wow the freedom in that! Met a few new friends for bible study. Found a church we like to attend here and there. I know now that we are the church. Not a denomination or a religion. Still, it is nice to join up with Christians and worship God together.
What happened? Not 100% sure, but so glad it did!